Every parent

Even I remember my parents having moments….moments when they kind of “reach their maximum” of tolerating a behavior out of a child. Today I felt like for most of the morning I was at a maximum and blew my lid several times. A harsh tone, impatience, and or yelling- I HATED who I was in those moments. I found myself being very generous and patient after naptime (and no, I didnt take a nap). I asked myself why I was acting that way and quickly realized I was trying to “make up” for my behavior earlier. Knowing that Ana doesnt have that understanding yet, I thought it necessary to apologize to her for being so angry. I did, but it just wasnt enough. Tonight I could barely keep my knees from buckling out of remorse for the way I had been. I cried and prayed by their bedsides, especially Ana’s- as she gets the brunt of my daily frustration since she is old enough to understand when mommy’s mad. Sure, she does cause some of it, but not nearly enough to merit the reaction I am dishing out. It isnt that anything awful happened outside of the things I listed above- but it has been a few days of this behavior out of me and I just cannot stand it. Today it peaked out- reached its max- and I am not having it anymore.

Like I said, I remember times when even my mom and dad reacted the same way I have been. And I know we are only human, and most every parent has been pushed to the brink of reacting in a way that was uncharacteristic of them. Every parent has had to ask for forgiveness from their child(ren) and God.  So I am not different in that respect.

So why make my struggle this evening so public as in my blog and on facebook? Because tonight, while I was begging God to make me different than I am- to change me in this area of my life, I believed He could. And that it could be as simple as a light switch turning from “off” to “on”. I believe He is able to complete me enough to keep my tongue from reacting harshly, and stop my hands when I want to slam a door; to bring me patience when I take that deep breath to raise my voice, and to bring me fulfillment when I apologize because I KNOW HE will change me from that point forward.

Tonight I became dissatisfied with my apologies and my abilities to try and make things right, because I know doing it myself I will most likely fail and fail and fail. BUT believing God can actually do what His word says He can do (oh so many times), I can be made new and the old cannot haunt me.

Every parent has a bad day, a rough day- and “maxed out” of patience sort of day. Every parent also has the power to never be “maxed out” again at their fingertips if only we believe its there enough to take hold of it. Thats why I share such a personal blog this evening. Zeph. 3:17


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